Please click on thumbnails to see the full size photo.
I am the girl with "the pretty face." You know the one, the girl in the crowd who is always labeled "cute" or "quirky," but never beautiful. Ever since childhood I have always been 15 or 20 pounds heavier than my friends. Maybe my failure in weight management is what drove me to become an overachiever in every other area of my life. I thought, "I may not be skinny, but I can make people laugh, and I'm smart. . ."
In high school, my weight became even more of an issue. At 5'2" and 145 lbs, I was a good deal heavier than my classmates. My self-esteem plummeted and I began "forgetting to eat breakfast and lunch." My weight haunted me. The fact that I was fat was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I went to bed. Guilt became my favorite friend, and if people looked past the happy-sweet-everything-is-fine façade, they could see that I was fighting a silent battle inside my heart.
With college came new friends, new surroundings, new chances, and new pounds. The Lord led me through a four year journey to heal my non existent self-esteem, and at graduation I was the happiest I had ever been, but at an all time high of 200 lbs. I had settled into the idea that I had to accept who I was and see that my worth did not come from what I looked like, but truly what was inside. Little did I know that that was only half of the lesson.
Throughout the first 22 years of my life, I had already gone to counseling for eating disorders, joined Weight Watchers 3 different times, done Slim Fast for a week ( I couldn't take those shakes, they are just disgusting!), exercised obsessively and cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Each round of trying to tackle my weight only ended up in frustration and resignation. The first year after college I tried out the Atkins diet and managed to get down to 165 lbs, the smallest I had been since I was 19. However, I quickly gained the weight back, and in the process almost destroyed my digestive system. (Please, DO NOT do Atkins and limit your food choices to only fats and proteins, this is NOT healthy. My intestines became severely impacted and I was almost hospitalized!!!)
Three months ago, at a moment of desperation when I was again battling with bullemic thoughts, I sat down with one of my co-workers and poured out my heart to her. She shared with me that yes, it is important to realize that our worth does not come from our appearances, but also the Lord created us to be healthy. We were not made to carry around extra weight because it is our "lot in life," and for me to want to change my life and lose weight to be healthy is not only good, it is commanded. As a Christian, I believe that our bodies are gifts to us from the Lord. For us to not take care of them is basically saying, "God, thanks for this body, but it really is too much of a hassle for me to treat it with respect and dignity, so I'll just go on living comfortably and selfishly." Wow, what an eye opener.
On Dec.11, I joined Weight Watchers again, weighing in at 191.6 lbs and wearing an 18-20 dress size. This time, I am not only determined to succeed, I know I will, because I can. I no longer think I might be able to do this, or I will for a little bit but it won't last long. I KNOW I will succeed. Since I joined before the holidays, my weight did go up a little bit, but I am down to 192 and am on the "down hill" road to success! My birthday was this past week, (Jan. 28) and though I stayed on program, there were events I didn't count on, two surprise parties.
I will update this monthly so you can join me on my road to health. Dotti's web site has been a source of such inspiration and comfort. I hope that my story will help and inspire others as well. We CAN do this!
(3/18)
Wow! A big thanks to all of you who have taken the time to write me and
let me know what is going on in your weight journey. You are such a source
of encouragement to me, more than you can know. Many times this past February
I felt like giving up, then I re-read your emails and just kept on keeping-on.
When I sent in my story at the end of January, I had gained about three pounds
over the holidays. My official start weight on Dec. 11 was 191.6
lbs. In the weeks that followed, I would lose 1.8 lbs, then gain
.6, lose .8, gain 2.4 etc. My whole January and February was spent
just hovering over my starting weight. I would get so frustrated that
I couldn't seem to just "start losing." After I submitted
my story to Dotti, the same thing happened. I would veer away from program
one week and gain a pound, then the next week try really hard and lose that
same pound again.
About the middle of February, I really considered giving up. I had just
gained 2 pounds and left the meeting crying. There was no way I was going
to stay and listen to all these people "celebrate" when I just
couldn't get my act together. I went to visit my mother, and she gave
me the best advice I had ever heard. She helped me find the root of my
problem. For me it wasn't lack of discipline, it was time management.
The majority of my weight was gained in college, where I stopped eating at home,
and instead was grabbing "meals" to go in between classes and meetings.
I no longer made time for myself, and in addition to gaining weight, I became
extremely stressed out. Now living on my own, the same
thing has happened. I rush in the mornings to get out the door, don't
pack lunches and instead eat fast food during the drives to meetings, jobs,
etc. This month, I learned the importance of planning. Mom told me to
treat my meal times as gifts to myself. Time in my day where I sit down
and actually eat. . . slowly! I was amazed at how just taking time for
myself got me back on track.
I also realized that I am an emotional eater. I had always thought I wasn't,
I guess I was just blind to the fact. But sure enough, the week that our
W W leader told us "there is a positive intention behind every behavior,
but it isn't always good for us," I started paying attention
more to when and why I was eating. I found that as soon as something
went wrong or I got stressed, my meal plans were the first thing to go.
I figured, "I am already stressed, I deserve my favorite foods and I will
think about my weight tomorrow." The problem was, there was always
something else. Tomorrow was always, the next day, and the next day, and
the next day. Now I turn things around and say, "Yes, I am stressed
but I deserve to be healthy and stick with my plan instead of sabotaging myself."
We even talked about this very thing in my meeting last night. A gentleman
brought up the fact that you can probably find some reason every day to not
stay on program. A wedding, a funeral, a birthday, a vacation, a failed
test, a fight with your spouse. . . The point is, our bodies don't
stop for these "break" times. I finished reading through Ecclesiastes
last night in my Bible, and I found this verse that seems to sum up just about
everyone's weight loss "strategies." If you wait for perfect
conditions, you will never get anything done. Ecc 11:4. I just had
to smile, because it is so true.
So, the big celebration for the month of February? In addition to not
giving up and sticking with it, I am finally down to 189 lbs! I
am out of the 90s and it has taken me 11 weeks, but I finally weigh less than
when I started Weight Watchers. I have established a routine of taking
time to plan my meals, and I am sticking with it. I am also keeping track
of the food selections that I eat in addition to my points by using the old
W W Freedom plan (circa 1995?) In my journal I make sure I get 6-7 breads,
6-7 proteins, 5-6 fruits/veggies, 3 fats, 3 personal selections and 100 optional
calories. This way I am not blowing all my points on one thing, but they
are spread out and I am eating well rounded meals throughout the day.
Thanks again for all your support! I can't wait to see what the month
of March brings : )
Photos
- L-R: My "before" photo, January
2001; college graduation, May 1999;
Peeling lemons in Suriname, South America, March 2000
"appgrad" on our Message Boards